Remember When

Remember when
Our attention
Settled for nothing
Less than
Beautiful
And challenges
Turned into conquests

Sort though
All you've been through
And feel
It all acutely
You are part
Of all you will be

Remember when
You promised yourself
I am going
To be somebody
Without knowing
You already are

While you strive
To make a life
Wisdom screams
Her proverbs
In the streets

So you realize
It's a waste
To work
For what decays

One day
You wake up
Longing
For a legacy

You go to
Make breakfast
And pour
Two glasses of juice
Forgetting
There is no one else

The walls around
What was held precious
Collapse
And the warmth
From your wants
Eases the loneliness

You wonder
How long
The defenses
Will be down
Then you find yourself
Not caring

Should Have a Warning Attached

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN TO THE

4TH INSTALLMENT OF

JASMINE & DERECK

FOR THE

LASTEST

Get into the club
Do the rounds
Make sure
The guys know
I’ve arrived
Tip the deejay
To play the songs
I get to flash
My assets on

I should have
A warning attached
Saying
Watch out
I’ve been taught
How to break hearts

Check in
My job’s a cinch
Once they got
Their first shots
They buy non-stop
For girls
Waiting to be swept
Off their feet
The guys play along
Till they start
Choosing rings

They should have
Warnings attached
Saying
Yeah, I’m not your match
But a good catch
Maybe Mr. Right
For a price

Shake it off
I tell a friend
Fresh from a break-up
If only he knew
You were holding back
He’d be on his knees
Doing whatever you please
To look sorry
For all this agony

Tonight
We should have
Warnings attached
We’ve been hurt
And it’s time for payback

Watch us
Flaunt our curves
He has the nerve
To think we’re home
Eating ice cream
Be nice to your friend
Maybe he’ll tell
How our night ends

I should have
A warning attached
Saying
Watch out
I’ve been taught
How to break hearts

I Want Out!

I awake
With the shakes
I hear
A heart beat
Beside me
It sounds like
Its staggering
I know the drill
I want it still

I reminisce
Our kiss
The night
Filled with bliss
This is
Too much
I want out!

His heart’s not his
To give
What’s making me
Feel like this?
Love is more than
I bargained for

I reminisce
Our kiss The night
Filled with bliss
This is
Too much
I want out!

Flight or Fright

5th Installment:

Jasmine is having lunch with her brother, Vince, who is going through a messy divorce. “You know you should have married Ann, Vince. I mean, that who I thought you were marrying which is why I agreed to be in the wedding.”
“You weren’t in the wedding.”
“Precisely. Vince, You have been in love with Ann since you were both teenagers and now that your are in your thirties, don’t you think you should give yourself a chance at true happiness?”
“You talk a good vibe, Jazz, where were you the night before I sacrificed myself to slavery?”
“You know where I was.”
“Oh, yeah!” Vince snickers under his breath. “Sorry I missed that big event in your life. You know that I would have been there if I could have.”
“Yes, I know. But back to your situation. Has Stace found out about your other properties and bank accounts?”
“No, your contacts kept there promise. Apparently they are invisible.” Vince does that laugh again but now it sounds sinister. This would scare anyone except those closest to him.

Jasmine knew what this lunch meeting was really about and it was only a matter of time before Vince would begin his scolding. She begins the countdown in her mind to the start of the speech she knew would start in a few seconds: three … two … one.
“How long has it been now Jasmine?”
“Four days.”
“And how long do you plan to leave that poor terrorized boy in your apartment?”
“Its not like he is tied up.”
“Right, but do you know anyone with the balls to mess with the Jamaican mob – let alone the Authorities?”
“He’ll figure out my bluff soon enough. He’s a smart boy.”
“Not smart enough. How much food do you have in that safe house?”
“If he rationed it well, he just ran out this morning.”
“And this is going to help how, exactly?”
Jasmine cellular phone rings. She welcomes the break in the interrogation. “Hello.” Jasmine drops her head and puts a hand to her forehead as though this gesture could magically clear her head and give her incite. “Okay, I’m on my way over.”
Jasmine opens the door to find a pair of paramedics giving Dereck a drip in his dehydrated state. Dereck has refused to go with them so they leave after giving Jasmine instructions on how to take care of him.

“I waited here but there is no food anywhere in this apartment. Do you even really live here?”
“I am leaving soon so most of my stuff is gone.” Jasmine produces a brown paper bag with a few packs of condoms inside. “I got a fresh stash but somehow I don’t think we should … at least not right this minute.”
“What are you saying? Jasmine! Tell me what’s going on, right now or I swear …”
“What did you just call me?”
Dereck sees something fierce in Jasmine’s eyes that he had never seen directed at him before. It reminded him of the time an internet predator tried to send some stalker-type instant messages to her while she worked on a laptop. Her eyes had become like a hunting lioness’ about to cease the opportunity to pounce on an unsuspecting prey. The response Jasmine shot back at the potential stalker got a full apology and even a denial of his intention to hurt her.
“You listen to me, Dereck. If you ever want to take that tone with me again and call me out like you helped in my fertility process then you best be ready to take a HELL of a lot more than you could ever dish out.” Jasmine was not yelling but speaking with a distinct level of unmistakable earnest. “Do you see this?” Jasmine asked him extending her empty arms out in front of her body. “I should be holding and nursing a part of me that was also a part of you. The doctor said it was stress or over-exertion or something, I can’t even remember, it was just after I had woken up from the surgery. They don’t know how it happened but it did and I was alone. I went through it all alone.”
“Jasmine, I am sorry. I didn’t know. I came back many nights to try to work up the nerve to knock on your door. Instead, I stood outside, in the dead of night, staring up at your window, looking for shadows on the walls cast by the candles you were burning. I looked every night and I never saw anyone there so I knew you were alone and I knew that you were hurting and that I caused it. I hated myself so I couldn’t see you ever loving me again …”
“Shhh, Dereck. Rest now. I’m going to get you some food at the store down the block. I’ll be back, just watch yourself, now.

Jasmine had not taken off her jacket so her retreat was swift like that lioness Dereck had imagined her to be. Jasmine let her boots fall heavily on the wooden floors as she walked out of her apartment building for the last time without looking back. Her state of mind would not allow her to chance turning into a pillar of salt.

Marty and Jasmine are sitting contently in the first class cabin on a plane that has just become airborne.
“Where are we going again, Marty?” Jasmine asks Marty who is holding her hand.
He switches his grasp to his right hand as he fishes their tickets out with his left out of the inside pocket of his blazer. “We’re heading to a place called Tulsa. Don’t you have friends there Pepper?”
“Yes. You never said it was Tulsa we were going. You’ll love it there Marty.”
“I know, doll. As long as I’m with you Pepper, I’ll be happy.”
Jasmine smiles for the first time that day. Something occurs to her to ask Marty. “Marty.”
“Yes, what is it Pepper?”
“Why don’t you ever call me Jazz or even Jasmine? You know that you could call me that.”
Marty does not hesitate or flinch at his response, “Because I’m not your father, Pepper. I’m your husband.”
Jasmine loved hearing him say that he was her husband so she reaches over to him and kisses him the way she knew he liked it by ending it with a nibble on his lower lip.
Marty knew that day at the courthouse was the best decision he had ever been forced to make in his life so he smiled broadly with a promise in his eyes to follow up that kiss with more later. Of course, he knew his Pepper saw that promise.

He Loves Her, She Loves Him Not

4th Installment: Jasmine and Dereck

“Yo! Cindy! We’ve to talk. Something’s happened. Meet me at the Center of the Universe tonight. Don’t make me wait. I won’t be there 5 minutes after midnight. Got that, babe? Midnight.”

Jasmine understands Cindy’s concern for Marty a little too well after hearing his cryptic messaged on the answering machine.
“See what I’m saying?” Cindy begins to regurgitate the same monologue to her audience of one. “He wants to break-up. If he was hurt he would need me to meet him at the hospital or some clinic. Why the Center of the Universe? I’ll tell you, because it is the only place we could be where one can watch me cry.”
“I think you should look at it from a broader perspective. He may want to take the relationship to the next level.”
“There is no next anything with us. We’ve already gone all the way. I thought I told you that ages ago.”
“Well there is always exclusivity …”
“Ha! Yeah, in your world of magazine articles and columns and such but not for the rest of us, Jazz.”

Jasmine slightly raises her hands to signal surrender then sits back, resolved to just listen to Cindy babble on about her insecurities. If she only knew what Marty had told Jasmine between the sheets. He is in deep with some heavy hitters and from what Jasmine hears his batting average has plummeted in recent weeks. Things have gone bad alright but not the way Cindy thinks.

Marty was a talker while he and Jasmine were lovers in what seemed like another life with a different set of rules governing her reality. That was before Dereck. Ah … Dereck.

Jasmine answers the obnoxious knocking on her door. Dereck is standing there looking just as handsome as ever.
“What are you doing here?”
“What do you mean? I live here.”
“If you lived here, Dereck, you wouldn’t be knocking on the door because you would have your key.”
“It’s not my fault you don’t have a spare set.” Dereck pushes past her without an invite.
Jasmine slams the door.

“So you live here. After everything that’s what you came here to say to me.”
Dereck turns to face Jasmine. She is struck by the sincerity and almost desperation on his face. She looks away.
“I’ve never left you, Jazz.” Dereck reaches for her hand but she retracts it out of his reach. He knits his brow with determination. He knows this won’t be easy. “What I mean is, I’ve stayed faithful to you. No other women have been in my bed or even in my thoughts. None.”
“Frankly Dereck, if I wanted to know what you did when you’re alone with yourself, I would have called. As we both know, I didn’t.”
“Jazz, what I’m trying to say is that I think this thing between us has a life of its own and it will live on forever.”
Jasmine had not imagined that Dereck would say the very thought she had had all this time without him.
They both walk over to look out the window to be in their favorite place in the world – together.
“It’s been nine months …” Jasmine starts.
“And two days …” Dereck continues.
“Fifteen hours,” they say together.

Jasmine walks away from the beautiful view the couple would stare at together for many minutes when everything was perfect.
Dereck catches Jasmine’s arm and pulls her close to him. He wraps his arms around her to make her feel safe. She feels his warmth, the heat that pulled her to him their first night they desperately searched for her condoms.
Jasmine tilts her head back to interrupt her reminiscing, “There is something you should know about me and my situation.”
“What situation is that?”
There it is; the pain was back. Jasmine uncurls herself from Dereck so she can get through this. “I tried to make this right in Jamaica by making you a part of the family so our methods of protection would be afforded you.”
“Sorry, I don’t follow.”
“You know that my father died but in actuality, he was killed. At the funeral I was approached by an individual to repay the murder in a much better way than courtroom justice. If you repeat this to anyone else, Dereck, I will call you a liar to your face and you will never see me again.”
“Jazz, do I want to know this?”
“You have to know because it now your reality as well. I am, what is commonly called in Jamaica, an informer. I get in good with the bad guys and then squeal. I have put everyone involved with my father’s demise in prison except for the trigger man himself. He is just going to have to suffer while I decide whether or not to kill him myself.”
Jasmine walks to the door and puts on her jacket.
“Where are you going?”
“Don’t worry, you are safe here. Dereck, you did the best thing, all those months ago by leaving me in Jamaica without ever contacting me again till today. I’m sorry Dereck but I can’t ensure your safety. Remember, just watch yourself. I’ll be back. I’m out of condoms.”

Series of a Poem - 1st and 2nd Installments

I Don't Want to Fall in Love

With the shakes

I awake

To the reality

Slipping away

As I debate

Whether or not to stay

Reason prevails

Of course

And I hop on a plane

Hoping to have my chance

Someday

The guy

Barely knows I'm alive

And probably cares

Even less than an ant's body weight

But with my ambition

I could have him

Subjected to submission

The truth is

I'm no longer the bitch

That insinuates herself

Into a man's every thought

And very being

Taking a break

From the sidelines

I remember his claim

As is mine

"I don't want to fall in love."

Its a Fact

I awake

With the shakes

I remember

He was here

But not much else

If he had stayed

Even a little while longer

I may have forgiven

On all the blunders

He made

I don't want to fall in love

Maybe someday

With the father of my children

But till then

I'll live in singledom

Saluting my womanhood

Like I said,

I don't want

That falling feeling

There're too many to count

Over more years

Than ever before

Would have fell

Too many times

Without an assurance

Of regaining my balance

Their eyes

Still seem to watch me

While I sleep

Almost like in a dream

I awake in

To find them

Lying in bed

With their hands

On their heads

Wondering,

"Why me?

Why with this girl

The one

That won't love me back"

Because they all know

Its a fact

I don't want to fall in love

The Disengagement

PLEASE SCROLL TO THE END TO READ THE STORY FROM THE BEGINNING

THANKS

"Dereck, I think we should we end this ... this fling."
"Why?"
"Because the only I proof I have that it exists is the convenience store charges on my credit card bill, for condoms. Come to think of it, why don't you buy your own?"
"I thought you had a preference ... "
"Anyway, we're done," Jasmine says with finality in your voice.

"I was thinking of taking a trip."
"Good. I'm glad you're dealing with our break-up so well," Jasmine hisses back.
"I mean us ... we should take a trip."
"Okay, I'll bite. Why?"
"We've been together, what, four months?"
"Four and a half."
"Right, and we've never left the city limits together. I say we go to Jamaica."
"I say you're crazy. You don't know what you're getting yourself into going home with a Jamaican girl. The e-ticket should have it's own Surgeon General's warniing."
"There's nothing like that on these." Dereck pulls out two matching Air Jamaica folders with tickets enclosed.
"Oh my God ... " is all Jasmine can say.

The first dinner at Jasmine's sister's in Jamaica takes place in Netty's salon so her little sistren will be looking good after her long flight. Everything is easy going and light-hearted because Jasmine's other siblings are travelling at the moment. Dereck thinks he has a hold on the situation, for a while.

Jasmine finds Dereck lounging on the porch furniture after she is done her shampoo and blow-dry. "How's it hanging out here? Is the heat too much for you?"
"I like it hot, remember?"
"Watch yourself. You never know who is listening in this place."

A loud greeting pierces the air.
"Earth Mamma! You finally shed all your baby fat!"
"Hi Bowe. Still chasing my sister's best friend? What's been now ... 20 years?"
"Still razored tongued, I see. Come here!"
Jasmine and Bowe through their arms around each other and squeeze hard.
"This must be the man of the hour. How are you, Sa?
"Very nice to meet you. It's Dereck."
"This is my man, alright."
"For the moment." Dereck interjects sheepishly without seeming too pitiful.
"If you want sympathy from me man, you're not going to get it. I know that you know, what you see is what you get with Jazz."
With that said, Bowe turns and waves a good-bye to the couple.

A figure struts down towards the veranda.
"Oh boy. This could be drama," Jasmine says with a slight quiver in her voice.
"What do you mean?"
"HELL-o Love," a slightly taller, slightly paler and slightly older gentleman says to Jasmine.
"Hello Da'ling." Jasmine kisses Gray's cheek firmly and pulls only half her body out of the embrace to introduce, "This is Dereck."
"Nice meeting you," Gray says while sizing him up to assess how tall the tree needs to be for him to hang without his feet touching the ground. No more than 6 and half feet he decides.
Dereck shakes his hand but squeezes a little too hard. "Likewise."
Both men know in another scenario they might be friends but this was different.
"Number 3, how's Number 1 doing these days?" Gray asks Jasmine.
"You know her, till death will she part from her career endeavors. What can you say? That life works for her."
"I hear ya. Very well, gotta run. Give my love to your sista for me."

"What was that?" Dereck requests with obvious offense in his tone.
"That is my best friend. You have no idea the complications that arise once you share a best friend with your older brother. As you get older they get more and more complicated."
"Figures."

That night is filled with kisses, smooches and playful nibbles as Dereck disrobes Jasmine. He moves slowly as though to memorize her skin and smell and movement. "Thank God we're finally alone."
"I know," Jasmine moans.
"How can you afford such a nice place here and live where you do in the States?"
"Since when do you talk money in bed?" Jasmine whispers in his ear.
"I'm just saying," he mutters as he works his way down her decollete.

Jasmine disengages from Dereck's advances and sits upright with a serious expression. "You're just saying what?"
Dereck pulls in a deep breathe through his nostrils then sighs loudly. He clears his throat trying to think straight as he looks at her body clad in only the thong he was just about to remove. "Look, its obvious you're some kind of heiress princess so what do you want with a guy like me, eh?"
"Honestly."
There is a long awkward pause while Jasmine nervously runs her fingers over her lips as though she wanted to force them shut. "I have 3 journals filled with the emotions I feel about you and its only been four months ... "
"Four and a half."
"Whatever," Jasmine snaps, a little louder than she intended. "I don't know what this is but it either has to end right now or go on forever."
"I do say Ms. Pepper Burn, that sounds like a marriage proposal to me."
"I don't give a damn what it sounds like. I just need to know ... which will it be?"

Jasmine or Jazz

"Is Jasmine your real name or an online persona?"
"Sort of."
"Well what do you call yourself when your computer's off?" Dereck asks with a smirk.
"My real name is Pepper Burn. I know, I know it sound ridiculous but my mother thought my name should mean something. Her name was Burn hence the ..."
"Oh, so you have your mother's name."
"Yep. Dad didn't know about me till I was 16. After he heard my name he didn't like it so he started calling me Jasmine - after his favorite flower and scent."
"Good man. I like your father already."
"I loved my dad. Everyone followed suite till my first serious boyfriend came along and shortened it to Jazz. After Dad passed away a little over a year ago it has been just Jazz ever since. If anyone calls Jasmine, the way he did, I have to fight too hard not to cry ... sometimes."

Dereck is shocked to be in such deep waters so early in the date. Jasmine's face is not wrinkled now but seems more at ease in a peaceful kind of melancholy state. He watches her avoid his eyes and stop eating. Then he sees them, the tears she spoke of, just about to brim over on their first date. "Jazz. That's a beautiful name."

They are walking down a busy enough street when Jasmine asks, "Where are we going?"
"Don't know. Thought you might have a clue. I just moved here, remember?"
Jasmine snickers and shakes her head. "That's right. Come on. I'm this way."

After a few blocks, Jasmine cuts off Dereck's steady stride to let them into her downtown apartment. He actually thinks twice about entering the 1940s styled building that does not look remodeled since it's golden era. Despite himself, Dereck takes a few brave steps for mankind. At least the men of his kind.

Jasmine opens the door to a surprising large apartment and starts searching through piles of the organized mess surrounding her.
"Any roommates?"
"A few but they are off for the weekend."
"Oh yeah, where to?"
"Not sure. All I know is I got a note saying they were off to some exotic location. You have to understand my roommates. They tried this last minute travel site a few months ago and now they're addicted to taking trips ... they're feeding their youthful spontaneity the note said."

Dereck is still standing near the door.
Jasmine looks up at him and asks, "Why are you all the way over there?"
"I can see your looking for something and didn't want to get in the way. Can I help?"
"You will. But first come sit down, anywhere you like. Just toss any pile of stuff in your way on the ground. I have this thing with piles. It is form of organization."
"What are you tearing the place up for? I'll feel better if I helped you find it"
"Condoms. I think I lost the pack I bought today."

- feel free to comment -

Ode to Dereck

"Have you got anything Asian on the menu?" Dereck asks the Indian manager who decided to take this table to help out in the crowded restaurant.
"No," the manager says firmly with his arms crossed.
"Guess I better try another place, no offense I mean - of course." Dereck closes the menu he hadn't bother to look at then hands it to the manger before walking away.
"Of course," he replies with a smile that turns into a roll of his eyes when his face is out of Dereck's view.

Jasmine arrives just as Dereck taps his watch anxiously awaiting his blind date. "Dereck?" She asks with a quizzical look as she stares at his features. "Wow, you don't look at all like I imagined a guy with your talent would look. I guess you caught me off guard." Jasmine allows the tension in her stance to go so she can make the best first impression.

Jasmine does not appear to be Chinese-Jamaican like her online profile describes her. There is no sign of her Asian heritage until she smiles and her eyes turn into slits embedded in a face that wrinkles without a sign of dimples except one in the cleft of her nose. After Jasmine is done laughing at Dereck's response to her comment, he offers to take her to sushi in honor of her favorite food sited online.

Jasmine accepts, hoping for the best.

(to be continued)
- feel free to comment -