Blue

Your wide expanse
Impresses
Even the stone-laden heart
You go as wide
As any ocean's depth
You creep up
To the heavens
By your own means

Blue
You
Storm, hail,
Hurricane
Till you get your way
Tornadoes
And tempests alike
Without warning strike
Humbling humanity
To its knees

From cloudy
To clear
Then overcast
You unmask
The Presence
Of the Most High
Only a fool
Can deny

As the raindrops
You produce
Brings life to the soil
So one must deduce
Our God
Delivers us from turmoil
To elevate
Our spirits
While we wait
For each determined fate

The root
Shoots
Up to the sun
A constant player
On this stage
Blue
Be kind
Today

Artistic Decadence

Not to be confused
With genius
Artistic decadence
Comes from education
Or practice

The way
Chocolate is added
To batter
For decadence
In a cake
Artistic notions
Must take form

Without the heat
In the oven
The batter is not eaten
Most prefer cake
To a mixture
Of the ingredients

Like chiselling away
At marble
God creates a sculpture
Worthy of your purpose
Stay in tune
To know the details

Commissioned to do good
Permission to do as you dare
Create a pure slate
One you use
To start brand new
Forget shortcomings & misjudgment
God just wants your commitment

Nicely Said

How does one say?
I'm done
No more put downs
To make you look better
Than the results
Of choices you made

How else can I put it?
Besides the fact
I'm not going to act
Interested
In making you my man
Consider the cards dealt
My eyes are
On someone else

Okay, I'll say it
I'm fickle
And what?
Where's your
Certified seal of perfection?
I have no intention
To make mention
Of my preference

Nicely said
I've moved on
And if you have
Half the brain
Previously dedicated
To you,
By me
You'll understand
I'd never give command
Of my heart
To another man

Commitment

There is a sin
That grips hold
At the most
Inappropriate moments
When my heart
Should swell
In recognition
Of an intention

A gesture
Motivated with care
To endeavor
A switch
From commonplace encounters
To scheduled meetings
That mold
A couple
Into one
That forms a family

I'm Trying to Tell you

Listen
I know what
I said before
Now I have to
Regretfully inform you
I have indeed fallen

It took hold
Tried fighting it off
But its grip
Wouldn’t loosen
The old me
Suffocated
To the death
Of my pride

This man is who
I tried to make you into
He is what I lost
Growing up without wisdom
I found the one
To end all others
I’m trying to tell you
I’m in love
Just not with you

Before long
I will confess
These feelings
I have
Like learning to walk
I am taking one step
At a time

With each breath
I remind God
That He has to help me
Live virtuous
So he will
See the Father
In my eyes
When I tell him
There is no other

This man is who
I tried to make you into
He is what I lost
Growing up without wisdom
I found the one
To end all others
I’m trying to tell you
I’m in love
Just not with you

I’m sorry for the confusion
But all I want
Fills me
When we talk
Like an out of body possession
God will not withhold
Any good thing from me
So I must be bold
When I make my confession

Notes: The Dream Giver

The following are notes I made to myself two years ago in May about The Dream Giver as spoken by Bishop Duane Swilley.

What you are missing - you already have

The big dream in your life is what you do best.

You must always write down your truths

The only things that slay the giant are the truths

Wake up the dream and pursue it

To have this dream means great sacrifices

The wall of fear comes up

If you listen to the Dream Giver, He will make you take the journey.

Everyone feels scared on the journey.

Either you keep your comfort or you keep your dream.

"Border bullies" are people you know and they are upset because they are losing you. You can learn from their concerns. You have to decide who you're going to please.

Where there is vision - there is provision

There is a wilderness before the Promise land. When you question the Dream Giver, it gets even worse.

The wasteland is never a waste, it teaches you to thirst for GOD.

Mirror, Mirror

I barely glance at you
Nowadays
The fame you promised
In youth
Made me infamous
Among men
But had me hate myself

There is a strong malice
Between us
You serve as
An alert of pimples
Not the faithful
And painful
Truth serum
Injected to drive
More exercise

There is nothing
You can offer me
More than needs
Of personal hygiene
The reflection is not me
But your dictatorship
From images of others
On your cousin
The black proscenium

Neither you
Nor members of your family
Will keep me captive
Within your frames
My spirit rules & reigns
Over my flesh
So shine your reflection
While the lights are on

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Its time to end
Your demands to pretend
Like all life rotates
Around what you dictate
To be beauty
When I'm not guilty
Of envy
I know my essence
Exists
Beyond your cold glass eminence

Gazing at the Chase

A girl
City bound
An escape found
In imagination
And travel destinations
Got the location
Of an agency
That feeds this tendency

Long ago passions
Stifled in urbanization
Mock my city inhabitance
As pure happenstance
The girl
Who gazed
At the mountains
Amazed
By their might
Has an unwelcomed plight
Of life
Without them

Missions to gaze
At the moon
From a place
Its presence is both felt
And seen
As clearly
As the sun pelts
Daily
Reducing my momentum
To make good
On my intentions

Father, I hear You beckon
To seek you
In nature
Your purest creation

The Insecure

This poem I use to preach to myself. After writing this the following words were scribbled on a page as a reminder "you're great ... You're wonderful ... The problem is: you don't love yourself ... No one else is in the wrong"

Don't think I am finding anything wrong with you - the reader - it is just another approach to writing to myself.

Insecurities
They're a part
Needing love
Broken emotions
Unable to reach out
The tension
Takes away the attention
He had given you

I watch you pout
All the time
Asking why
Things can't be perfect
Yet you neglect
Basic health
And loving yourself

Every day
Something's changed
And you're worst off
For it
Deep inside
A seed lies
Just need to water it

Choking on the fumes
Remembering
The bartering
For lovers
Between friends
Stifle commitment
So you can end it
Before your heart gets hurt

Not like walking the plank
Of a pirate ship
Instead leaping from a bridge
Knowing your bungee
Won't break
YEAH!
Flying while falling
Swinging before ending
The adrenaline

The only way to cure
The insecure
Is honestly
Letting them know
They're unbelievable
And wonderful

Today I Realized Something

I have been told that I intimidate men. Funny, I have yet to meet a man under 6' 4" to do the same to me. (I have a thing with tall men - they are all very intimidating to me) I realized today why people have said that to me.

The guys I know are either wildly successful, on their way there or complete failures in their own eyes. As you can imagine, the majority are in the "on their way there" zone. I must be a real pain to have as a friend! ... a girl/female friend! I have been blessed with notable acheivements in my life. Though most of the time I don't talk about them, these guys all know each other or find out enough about me to see them. As a girl with more to offer than them - the guy - it must be too much handle, even as a friend ;-(

I realized this after a dear man I met this year called to set-up a date today. Every few words he apologized for keeping me on the phone and noted all the things he had to have in place before he could take me out to the hottest steak place around. All I said was that I had not heard of it and suddenly it was no longer the place we would dine because "if you haven't heard about it then it must not be that great a place!" he declared. I was shocked and baffled while fumbling some sort of disclaimer. You must note that this is one of the must distinguished men I have ever met ... so much so ... I listened to the first voicemail he left me TWICE to make sure it was actually him leaving different numbers I could reach him!

Well, after that learning experience I am done being concerned about my male friends. They are in my prayers. God will have to drag the right one in my life because I have more to do than look for an accomplished man. I love meeting people but I don't have a five- or ten-year plan with any one person in mind as a companion. These years are my opportunity to shine :-)

Fondly Speaking

Those who have digressed
From my intrusions
I still speak fondly
Of all memories
I made with them
At the heights of discovery

The nights spent
Dipping flesh
Into unchartered waters
With men
I chased
And won over
As friends or lovers

The right we had
To behave
However
We fancied
Existed
Because we were young
And life had only
Just begun

Subliminal consciousness
Made us
Apart of more than
The present
But perceptions
On how things played out
Whether single or attached
The golden egg hatched

Showdowns
Between guilt
And what's left
Prove decisions
Are best made
On a full stomach

Fondly speaking
Life has been great
With much to relate
To family
Still to come

Likewise

We met near the boulevard
I often frequent
If it were not
For his hair
I may still forget
But not yet

Blonde,
With curls bouncing wildly
Despite the attempted
Pony-tail

He asked to see
My eyes
Again
To see if
Our souls
Matched,
I suppose

The broad smile
That followed
Led to
Provocative conversation
Then an invitation
To fly

Accepted
We glided above
The streets
Each with
One arm outstretched
To catch the breeze
As though
We had wings

Before I had to go
He asked
For my number
And planted one
On my cheek
I complied
But not by giving mine
Just taking his
With a promise
To call him

Still at a loss
Regarding my title
Well, its simple
That was my response
To his compliment
Of how
My body
Felt against his
While flying

To be a little more specific of the highlight of my day, I went for a short scooter ride with a mysterious man. He is very attractive and apparently well known. I enjoyed our encounter enough to write a poem.

There is another man in my life though who is the real Peter Pan. He truly made me soar after that little lesson from a stranger. It is wonderful to have that feeling while awake. You know no fear. He is exceptional. A pray for famous success in all his endeavors.

Curse or Cure?

I've forgotten
How to love me
I've forgotten
How to love
My own company

I'm counting
On a miracle
To free
My harden heart
From a cage
I wanna feel free
To love
That way again

I'd rather be
With friends
Than home
By myself
Shouldn't I be happy
Without needing
Anyone else?

I'm counting
On a miracle
My life is written
On this page
Keep it close
For the day
I look back
And laugh

Is love a curse
Or a cure?
To know how it feels
Make you want more
With all its power
You're caught off guard

My promise
Of a miracle
Gets me through
It hasn't been that long
Since my best friend
Was me

I'm counting
On a miracle
To free
My harden heart
From a cage
I wanna feel free
To love
That way again

An Explanation

You are probably wondering what is up with the girl who was writing this story - well I went into life overload. My emotions and body still have not recovered. In the midst of all this I thought "I should be journaling all this" so I must do just that.

Last month was only the second April I have not had the glorious fun of celebrating my late Dad's b-day. It was very emotional because I am still trained to be planning a huge surprise, worthy of the king my Dad is but then there was nothing. I cried everyday last month because I needed to talk to my Dad. He was the must brilliant man who ever lived. I needed to know the secret of how to keep our common flaw in check so one day I can leave his legacy.

Religious folk call this common flaw a "generational curse" well so are their dispositions, if you ask me. I don't believe it to be a curse just an obstacle. One I can either go around or climb over. I know I am prone to climb then conquer anything in my way so I hope that is how Dad did it. From what I know of him, I think he managed to do both climb and circumvent within his lifetime.