Me Dreams

I really want to perform. I told myself that I was not good enought to make it but that may not be true. I have wasted a lot of time pursuing other people's dreams so I have learned things I would not have known otherwise. With the support system I have now I really should move toward what I want the most. Everyone has always been surprised by anything I do involving my talents.

I read something recently that said Poe's family thought him a medicore poet. Poe is my favorite poet for many reasons but the most obvious is his ability to hide the intensity of his words to sterile readers while embodying the passions others try to mask.

I really want to act, dance and sing but no one knows. In front of cameras I make funny faces and claim to have no ability. NO one ever reads my resume anyway so my degree in performance always goes unnoticed. I know I will have to start feeding that desire now. The beast has hybernated too long. My talent is leeking out and people are asking me random questions that are forcing me to tell half-truthes as though Fate or a Higher Power was signalling me to take to the wind and fly.

My first collegiate boyfriend once climbed a bridge in our university's town on a whim (of course I was not with him - he so needs supervision :-) He told me that there was a quote at the apex from somebody written in permanent marker that read:

"You've gotten to the top, now baby, JUMP OFF AND FLY!"

He asked me if I thought it was some sad soul's suicide letter to the world. I said, " I think a sad druggie was on an acid trip and probably thought he was on a space mission. If someone actually jumped, there would have made some barricade to prevent history from repeating itself."

The Take Back

I feel silly admitting ... I have forgotten what to fight for. I used to have steel coated morals and an intellect to back them up. I feel used by most people in my life and I am not 16 anymore. At that age I remember vividly, staring out my university window at a spring day. Noting the beautiful wild flowers, a thought came to me "Oh, to be sixteen again." My dream was shattered by the realization that I was indeed sixteen years old at the time.

This is how my life went most of the time. Constantly forced to act older among adults as a child but this is not a complaint. I learned a lot from everyone around. It is just that I somehow lost my drive to be me. I look at what I have accomplished and my family is more proud than I am. Most things I tend to forget till they start bragging to a friend. Then the embarrassment of not topping the spoken feat attacks me and the thinking comes - the freight train of ideas and intentions plow down my comfort zone and require each past request by parents and friends to be met.

This is only my fault. They tell me I am genius yet I have a hard time calculating sales tax. I was supposed to be supporting the family by now and still they are all supporting me. This is my lot in life until I find my own dream. Then I will silence their requests with the will and drive that have left me wanting ... wanting to succeed at being me.

This is Bad

So there was this guy, right. I mean Mr. Right for all the right reasons. Then it was over because I was young and stupid to think another one like him would come along. We did not speak after the break-up. Things were bad.

I am 27 now. Light years away from that incident and I feel young and stupid still! I have no real trade or talent per se but I somehow I am surviving like that disco song every bitter woman requests when out with her girlfriends. It's been a long hard road.

Not sure now if I am better now or worse just less of myself. Today, I said something out loud for the first time in my life. "I am living for everyone else except me." This is my life but I got too scared to live it. After messing up so badly with something so good. It's like I can't trust something as precious as life to me. The mistake was huge! Almost cost me everything because I stopped caring.

I am begining to care again. Not just for everyone else but for myself. I'm not sure what is going to happen ... but it is going to be big but not like before - this time it will be good.

Cave in

I don't know what is wrong. I keep falling for bastards. The ones that don't give a damn. The guy who walks away saying "she's not for me - great girl though." The minute a guy gets decent I have the hardest time with it. I still see him as the bastard and I sometimes catch myself almost tricking them to become the person I see them as. This is a distorted form of living because people behave according to what is expected of them, generally.

I should take some time off of men. But how do you avoid half the human race? Beats me. I love what love does to me. This second time around made my heart minced meat. I cried and begged God to take it from me. Now that it is gone, I can't believe how much I missed me. That bastard got the best of three months of my life. The only good thing has been my writing. I plan to move on as soon as this weekend. Then I can use my new moves on the bastard I am planning to spend Saturday with doing what ever we think of doing :-)

This guy is an old friend so it will be fun even if he stands me up and I manage to pass the time with a new friend. Here we go again ... men, men, men - let's be friends before anything else.

Pardon Me

I have realized lately that different people react differently to love. Not romantic love, mind you, I am still a novice there - but plain old fashioned stick-your-neck-out-to-show-you-I-care kind of love. It baffles me how so many people are uncomfortable with acts of kindness. They read in ulterior motives that do not exist, me included.

I have had a hard time keeping my word recently. Things are beginning to fall through the cracks in my life which are becoming more apparent. It is interesting to see those who are still chillin' with me even though they don't understand it all.

People like to tell me that I will be someone great someday. I don't see greatness in me. At the end of every day I am actually surprised I made it to the end of another one. I almost half bet myself that I won't be able to do that again. But I am done with self-analysis. I need to discern what is going on with other people because that will make me a better writer. God knows I need a lot of improvement.

So pardon me if I scrutinize your life as you live it. Just taking notes for my next fictious scenario.

Missing My Father

I never told anyone how much I adore my deceased father. His wisdom lives on in my memories but still I feel incomplete or unfinished. It is like he left the classroom mid-sentence in the middle of the lesson. I have much more to learn.

My eyes are welling up with tears as I type. For I fear I need him more now than in my prior years.

How does one say ... I have strong feelings I need to make sense of but no one to turn to whom I have high regard. I struggle inside going back and forth in my mind. Not knowing what needs to happen or what action need be taken. Please, I beg God, let my Dad come to me in a dream or send a sign for me to know which way to go.

Last night I had a business dinner with an attractive man on Lincoln Road. The whole time I thought I was cheating on the one which holds my affections. That was new and I kept trying to ignore it but it was no use. Then on the drive out of the beach I saw a guy how looked just like my muse except for details in the face and attire, sitting on the sidewalk in some form of shock. I thought to myself - OH my GOD what if it was really him in disbelief that I would be so brazen as to have dinner with another someone on Lincoln.

These thoughts are random but repetitive. I should have paid more attention to the lectures my father had given. Atleast then I would be able to recall the best way to make these thoughts go away.