A Wish Wasted

I wish I could have done things differently. That is a waste of a wish. Nothing in all of life makes it repeat itself for edits. I want to be happily entangled with a man worthy of wanting. My friend half-scolded yesterday and told me to ready myself first. I must be ready to find that wanting in a man. I always thought that longing would come from the opposite sex but she was right it is lodged within me. I often attract the right man in the wrong set of circumstances. This is my plight. I wish I could have undone my misstep. Surely by now a woman of my age would learn from her delusions. Still, I carry on for yet another turn around the clock with no one by my side. Better still, I am content to be alone but not forever.

So here comes the fun. I plan to go speed dating next week on the very night I see my intended. This guy has had me circling at his feet begging for another chance with us. So I am going to introduce him to my gorgeous friend who he will fall madly for and that will be the end of my intentions as far as that goes. I know nothing about speed dating except what I saw briefly in a movie once. I will only give my number to the ones I am interested in and hope for a call. There is one other sly option I might try...inviting him to go out with my friends later that night. That might be a bad idea because my friends are fabulous and there will be the gorgeous one, unattached. That whole thing might back fire but I don't want to over analyse too much.

So There's This Book ...

I am reading yet another self-help book which title will go unmentioned. It is really good so far being encouraging at all the right points and no nonsense at other points. This leads me to think of what the world would do with a book that doesn't tell them to loose weight or think positively. Instead it would hold a tale of shortcomings and mishaps that could teach the reader not to befall the same situations. In case you did not guess by now, I am writing such a book.



There has got to be a group of people out there that know what they want but not sure how to get there. They don't want to make the same mistakes their family or friends have made but what were those mistakes, exactly? I have no personal claim to fame nor do I plan on faking one for my readers. I just want to share the decisions I have made up to this point in my life that I think could help some people navigate their own paths.



There has been love and loss in my life which is enough to make a good novel. I don't want to hide my experiences behind fake names or places to save face or provide some kind of false privacy. I will tell it just as it occurred with a few edits to take out the boring years or sections full of such grief that any account of it would just be plain murderous. Lucky for me I have kept a journal most of my life so I will be transposing much of the information from there to the manuscript. Wish me luck, diligence and a dose of creativity. I'll be needing all of that and more.

Past Trial, Tried and True

There is a dull recurrence of his face as I pray for others’ grace. He said I would always be a part of his life. This guy was Mr. Wonderful to me. I sang his praises to all who would listen. This blog needs to help me heal wounds he inflicted on my psyche. Every entity of my appearance was critiqued, indiscreetly. You would think this would be a sign but I persisted in the relations, fretting if anything was too much or not enough. I shudder to think of all the twisted comments meant to cement my altered self-image.

There should have been something that registered his discontent with me. Instead I kept reaching for him like a treasured goal. In our hearts we should look inward for gold. I see this pattern in my life of constantly reaching for what was once great and desirable. I hold long relationships up on a pedestal when I really need to bury some of them. There is no need perpetuating an ill gotten friendship when the other involved has moved on and I am left waiting for them to respond.

So I smiled sweetly as he would confess his faults to me. Everything that bothered him passed from his lips to my ears. I ingested all his problems where they laid until I pressed them down to process more till there was no more room for me to breathe. I summoned a friend’s advice to get his grip off of me. She said to tell him of my needs and sufferings as he told of his shortcomings. I tried to open up to him about my trials but he never listened with any patience. Instead he would water down my situation with one relevant to his own position. I should have walked away but I stayed. This purged me of my sense of self that robbed me of my confidence. It took months before I would release myself from his influence but when I was done, I no longer hung on his every word.

Suddenly I saw him differently. We were no longer friends. A jaded course of action had happened never to be subtracted from the silence that now lies between us. One whom I felt joined to spiritually and had previously fastened himself to me was now a mortal enemy. He had so injured our union that it could never again be subjected to the confidence it once represented. I cannot get past the attitude of contempt we both meant in the words shared after the event. I was warned but did not heed the call that all that glittered was not told in earnest. Yes, there was a kiss but now the mention of it brings disgust we never discussed just a distance placed where there was once an alliance.

There were no tears of remorse or resentment. I live and breathe honest contentment. There is not a notion of missed fate or destined companionship. Instead I look at lessons lived and lessons learned that I will never take for granted again. There is a happier more gratified tomorrow where trials may come but not those already triumphed. I curse the ground on which we met as an unfortunate happenstance. Though good has come of it, I would rather have had a more pure experience that I could put into words that were more vivid than these vague ramblings.