Past Trial, Tried and True

There is a dull recurrence of his face as I pray for others’ grace. He said I would always be a part of his life. This guy was Mr. Wonderful to me. I sang his praises to all who would listen. This blog needs to help me heal wounds he inflicted on my psyche. Every entity of my appearance was critiqued, indiscreetly. You would think this would be a sign but I persisted in the relations, fretting if anything was too much or not enough. I shudder to think of all the twisted comments meant to cement my altered self-image.

There should have been something that registered his discontent with me. Instead I kept reaching for him like a treasured goal. In our hearts we should look inward for gold. I see this pattern in my life of constantly reaching for what was once great and desirable. I hold long relationships up on a pedestal when I really need to bury some of them. There is no need perpetuating an ill gotten friendship when the other involved has moved on and I am left waiting for them to respond.

So I smiled sweetly as he would confess his faults to me. Everything that bothered him passed from his lips to my ears. I ingested all his problems where they laid until I pressed them down to process more till there was no more room for me to breathe. I summoned a friend’s advice to get his grip off of me. She said to tell him of my needs and sufferings as he told of his shortcomings. I tried to open up to him about my trials but he never listened with any patience. Instead he would water down my situation with one relevant to his own position. I should have walked away but I stayed. This purged me of my sense of self that robbed me of my confidence. It took months before I would release myself from his influence but when I was done, I no longer hung on his every word.

Suddenly I saw him differently. We were no longer friends. A jaded course of action had happened never to be subtracted from the silence that now lies between us. One whom I felt joined to spiritually and had previously fastened himself to me was now a mortal enemy. He had so injured our union that it could never again be subjected to the confidence it once represented. I cannot get past the attitude of contempt we both meant in the words shared after the event. I was warned but did not heed the call that all that glittered was not told in earnest. Yes, there was a kiss but now the mention of it brings disgust we never discussed just a distance placed where there was once an alliance.

There were no tears of remorse or resentment. I live and breathe honest contentment. There is not a notion of missed fate or destined companionship. Instead I look at lessons lived and lessons learned that I will never take for granted again. There is a happier more gratified tomorrow where trials may come but not those already triumphed. I curse the ground on which we met as an unfortunate happenstance. Though good has come of it, I would rather have had a more pure experience that I could put into words that were more vivid than these vague ramblings.