It's Been 5 Years, 6 Months and 7 Days ...

...Since my father last walked the earth. I cried silently then sobbed myself to sleep last night wishing for his influence to still be in my life. This morning I woke to the feeling of completeness as though I had dreamed a solution into being. I had a slight inclination to call my Dad then realized he would not be there to answer.

I hear other fathers relate to their children in many ways. I can honestly say my father was no saint but he died knowing I love him. This is a phenomenon that is deeply rooted in my childhood. I have always had a strong sense of self or intuition. I knew when my maternal grandmother was going to die. As a child I asked her the day before she passed suddenly of a stroke, "What would you do Grandma if you died?" To that she threw her long black hair back and laughed, "Then I would just have to die then Darlin'."

A few years after my parents separated I knew my father needed to know that I loved him. I knew that this would take effort. I knew I had to make this effort to somehow complete my life. I guess my internals were warning me that I would be left with little more than memories and a slight resemblance to comfort my longing to feel fathered.

Tonight, I sit alone in my room typing this blog to remind myself someday in the future that I feel this love for my father maturing into a love for myself. Hopefully this love will graduate into a feeling I can share with others. Till then I pen my words on this page in silence.